Recorded scrap of paper – 25 October 2013

25 October 2013 – 8:05PM

I’m standing here in the Garage like I always try to do – well not always but often. Very very often try to do. I’m standing because I try to stand as much as I can. That’s my ‘Defiance’. And uh, I’m doing what I frequently do and that’s either replaying conversations in my head when I was desperately trying to ask for help  from somebody – unsuccessfully – and uh, as Nikki pointed out today… uh, I didn’t realize. I’m having a hard time figuring out my mental, uh, situation as well. Nikki pointed out that when I lead the conversation, I have a much better time. Which is why people often, understandably, misread my abilities. When they lead the conversation, like happened last night, I get so… I get very lost and it’s like – like when I was a kid. In the Indiana Sand Dunes, running down the hill. There’d come a point where such a steep Dune and such a steep hill – at least to a kid – uh, you’re running with giant leaps and steps just trying not to fall, tumbling down end over end. And that’s precisely what that point of ‘Terminal Velocity’ – that you reach – is precisely what happens in my head when I start to get lost. And that’s how my head feels. I’m just rushing to keep up.

But I’ve practiced keeping a straight face because Doctors would otherwise, completely dismiss – even quicker anyway – dismiss what I’m desperately trying to tell them unsuccessfully. Explain through the mental problems that I have… besides it [my list of symptoms] just being a giant scope in the first place to figure out on your own. And uh, I’m not depressed about the situation that I’m in. I’m just at the point where I’m waking up mentally enough to see the reality of where I am. And I realize I’m just not getting the help I need. Simply not getting the help I need in any way, shape or form. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m just not getting the basic help I need. And I’m fighting so hard, in every conceivable way that I’m now coming to the realization that maybe no one will ever understand how hard I fight every day. And how hard I fight through a mental fog, too. Keeping a good attitude and trying hard to make sense of my thoughts, on giant white boards behind me here in the garage, that I had to fight through a mental fog to ask a friend to help me with. Then fight through a mental fog to try and describe what I was to say and do. Everything I’ve done is a huge, HUGE effort on my part and uh…

I’m going to take a break.

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