03 November 2013 – 2:10PM

The more tasks something has, the less the chances I can get through it. Especially when my baseline is lower and my brain and eyes tire faster – as well as my body does – faster than they do at the moment. And um, at times like that – and that happens nearly every day – certainly at the end of the day. To varying degrees and some days its like that all day.  So for example, if I’m going to make myself something to eat. Or would like to try. On those kinds of days, if… See – I don’t think people realize how many steps there are in actually accomplishing a small task.

If I have to get a spoon from the sink that’s dirty, I have to first understand the pile of dishes that’s there. Then learn… figure out how to navigate it without knocking stuff over. Actually get my – coordinate getting my hand in there… all that stuff takes intense effort and concentration for me. And um… especially when my baselines lower. Even, um, even  if it’s something as easy as getting a clean dish out of the dishwasher. That sometimes… all the sudden realizing I need a spoon, right, for example. And uh, I’ll go “oh shit, it’s not in the drawer”. Then my brain goes okay… and it really takes a while to swing around like a glider, to change direction of thought, to go “okay, where can I find one…” And I look around slowly, you know. And I’m very detached and I feel very confused and just lost. And I look around very slowly – cus I do everything slowly when my baselines lower – and um… I look around slowly and I see it’s in the dishwasher right? And uh… cus this happens often.

And then, ok. Switch gears again. Get it from the dishwasher. Ok. I gotta open the door. The handles closed. Ok. I have to flip the handle. You know, and so on and so forth. Everything that’s involved in getting down to get the fork or the spoon or whatever it is. Ok, find the spoon – shit. They all look like knives or forks to me. You know and it’s too much… it would make sense of course – cus Nikki brought this up once or twice – you know, it would make sense to grab them and put them in the drawer. And I’m absolutely that kind of person, I would. But that’s an extra thing I can’t do at the moment. And if I do, I’ll lose my train of thought and wont be able to get back – you know in my head – to making the sandwich or where I was making the sandwich. Uh… at any rate, all these things are levels of complexity and they’re extra steps. And if I then have to go get something in the refrigerator , ok – shit. That’s an extra step.  Open the refrigerator door. My God, if it’s not right in front of me… where do I find it? Oh shit. It’s in the back. And then that becomes a process that I try to figure out … and I struggle to figure out, uh, spatially how to get something out of there. Like, if I have to move stuff – I’ll put it on the floor if I have to that’s fine. But that’s an extra step that my brain has to think of. An extra challenge my brain has to overcome. Whereas when I was able bodied, of course, those things are automatic. I would just move stuff, I would just grab it.

And um, so when I’m not doing so well or I’m slower, things get sometimes impossibly difficult. Just by the number of small steps that then compound. On top of the fact that my brain and my eyes tire – so if it becomes a longer, more drawn-out process, um, then I can’t do it. But for example, on those days I might not be able to make a sandwich but maybe I can make oatmeal. If all the conditions are right. If the bowl and the plate that I use to do so is exactly where it should be. If the oatmeal is where I always put it. If the measuring cup is on the wall where it should be. If the trail mix (container) has trail mix in it. If that’s not buried. And that one rarely is, it’s usually on top. But um, at any rate. So that’s how it is. And uh, I have more success now that all the things are laid out  – well, not all the things – but a couple of the things I regularly use are laid out and they’re labeled. They’re clearly labeled and that’s helpful for me…

Uh… yea.