Recorded scrap of paper – 1 March 2014

I was thinking about my brain and how, uh, when I don’t know what to say in a conversation it would be… uh, like with Doctors – just thinking about, of course. I would go to the appointments, I would think for days of what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. So that, uh… I was paranoid I guess after the reactions I got initially, you know, from the Doctors all the way up through the Mayo Clinic even, and uh… I would go there and get out what I could, you know, with the fragmented thoughts I have and so I would just say that, for example, I could only be thinking about one thing at a time.  It’s a struggle for me to have thought that back then and have written it down on a scrap of paper, or recorded it… But then when they would ask, reasonably so, but they’d ask what do I mean by that or ‘give me an example’ and I can’t get to it in my mind at the time. I didn’t realize how bad I was doing I guess, but I was failing pretty miserably at communicating what I needed. Because if I didn’t come prepared to say it, which I couldn’t say much and it took a lot of fragmented thought and struggle to concentrate on only the upcoming appointment and what I would say. I couldn’t figure out how to use words for what I was feeling physically, or what I was thinking or needed to say. Little bit less of a struggle now, but it’s still pretty rough. So I would leave the appointment and I would have not communicated my needs well or my issues well. But I would remember a good portion, or most, of the conversation later. It’s like this whole middle ground of memory doesn’t do so well. Once it passes out of my immediate memory, it’s kind of gone for a while. But eventually I would remember a good portion of the conversation and what I would have wanted to say. It takes me days or weeks – sometimes longer- to actually get the words from my brain out of what I wanted to say then, and that’s kind of how I’ve re-learned to talk on the subjects that I have.  I still do that, thinking about an upcoming appointment. Although now I write… But… I’ll have to make another (recording).

Second recording:

Takes every bit of concentration I have to operate this body and to go through the routine that I’ve struggled to remember. And get through… and uh, anything changes, if I have a protein shake – if I’m too tired to make the eggs or another kind of breakfast for me, then I don’t, I won’t remember to take any of my supplements cuz I have to do it on my routine – it’s gotta be.  With the same breakfast meal everyday at the same time area, somewhere in the early or mid 7 o’clock hour. And then immediately after I can remember to take most of my morning supplements.  I don’t really remember to take the ones later in the day, after that, especially on my lower baseline days. But uh…

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