Recorded scrap of paper – 22 March 2014

This comes from a Garage Session, but uh. Aedan has a playdate over and one of the parents just came to pick up the other boy that Aedan was playing with. This is typical, this kind of things happen a lot. Where, um, because I’m so detached from reality and very, I don’t know. Like a dreamlike state almost, kind of. But it feels difficult to interact in a normal way with people and the world around me. Besides the world being too fast and all the other stuff, but… So I’m here in the study.  I hide kinda. You know. Because I feel so weird when trying to communicate, um, even when I have words. I feel… its just different and it’s very off-putting. And I feel, uh, I feel weird. It’s a perceptual thing. But I hide so I don’t seem weird to people if I’m spacey or skittish or flighty or, I don’t know. Or  whatever I might appear, you know, when they try to talk to me.  Or uh… I don’t really look at people or things too much that move – it gets to be too much. My eyes just get tired and it gets harder to visually process and mentally process. So I just kind of stare off usually, at another place and I feel awkward  and weird that I’m not communicating, or…

I was in a better state for about  5 or 6 days in a row, maybe a bit more even, where I wasn’t as detached as I have been. Starting yesterday and far more so today, I’m just quiet. And I don’t feel like I have words. And I’m just very, uh, very detached. Besides everything else, um… so it gets harder. But there are times that I feel a little bit more connected and it’s a little bit better. And I feel I can communicate a little bit better. But that’s not, uh… its rare when that happens. And now is definitely one of those times where I’m just, I’m not able to. I’m just too detached and too mentally tired.  And its hard for me to process the world. Its way too fast today. Again. As always I guess.

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