I have been having a very hard time physically and with my mental abilities. Not to mention that we’re destitute now. And at times it wears on me so much that I can’t see the light anymore. But its times like this where choices, yours and mine, come to shape how the story ends. I hope this reaches those who feel as if the end has come, and I want you to know that only YOU can control what happens from here.
My story is not going to end yet. And to that, I leave you with this…
Facebook: 04 September 2014 2:35pm
Perception: A Tale of an Ordinary Man in a Funny Red Cape…
This morning was another one of those mornings where I woke up and the first feeling (other than intense pain) I had was one of hopelessness. It isn’t often that I feel that way anymore, but it does happen. And I get the impression that there are some who think that I never have these feelings.
I do. We all do. But its more about what you do with and about it, than it is whether or not you still have a human reaction.
I’m just a father who refuses to give up and/or die in front of his son, that’s all.
Aedan loves taking my shirt to bed with him after I’ve properly ‘recharged’ it by wearing it all day. This morning was rough, really rough. But instead of letting that darkness take over, I picked myself up and put on this shirt.
You see, this shirt has powers. My Boy cuddles on it at night and looks forward to me giving it back to him at night. When I get it back in the morning, after HE recharges it for me, it serves as a reminder of sorts. It reminds me that he is counting on me, reminds me how I’m needed in this world. And I refuse to fail him. It makes me feel 10ft tall and bullet-proof, and sometimes I wonder if I really CAN fly. At my weakest, I still feel strong.
I haven’t done my Saline drip in a while. I only have a few supplies left and I’ve been stretching what I have available so my supply lasts longer. When I feel weak, I don’t feel like doing this. Especially not an NSS Drip (Saline) as is far more involved than just my Glutathione IV push, and many days I just don’t feel I have it in me to do it anymore. As if the fight has been beaten out of me after 6 years.
But this morning I put this shirt on, and I forget how I actually feel – I am filled with purpose, strength and fight once again.
I’ve been weak, my hands shake and I don’t see very well at the moment. But I couldn’t just lay down and give up for the day. I’m wearing this shirt after all, and I can’t charge this shirt with weakness now can I?
You can see I CHOSE. Its always a choice, and instead of surrendering to the darkness today, I chose to fight. Even when I’m nearly certain I have none left. Today is an example, not an exception.
I don’t know that I have a clear point at the moment, perhaps other than just to be open with y’all and let you know Im human too. I can lend you all the fight in the world, but I think also being open and honest about the fact that I too struggle is equally as important.
Healthy or not, we all face times where you’re not sure you can fight anymore. And I just want you to know that’s not only normal, but you should expect it.
Times like this I remind myself I have to EARN the right to be Aedans’ Hero. He’ll look up to me no matter what, but I believe I should first earn it. Every day.
It doesn’t matter what your ‘struggle’ is. Maybe you’ve suffered from a severe reaction to FQ’s like I have. Or perhaps you struggle is to simply look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself in a positive way. Whatever it is, know that you can overcome – but you must first make a concious choice, find something – anything – that makes you at least FEEL strong… and do it.
You can see what choice I made today. I ask you, whats your choice going to be? Let’s build momentum… most times you’ll find that’s all you need.
I hope my senseless rambling here at the very least gives you something to think about.
My drip is almost done, I did 750ml of NSS, albeit expired, but it should still be okay. Drip rate of approx 120dpm. In a few mins I will be giving myself a Glutathione IV, 6000IU. Deep IM B12 shot to follow.
Walk beside me my friends. I have nothing that’s not also inside every one of us. At best, I’m just an ordinary man in a funny red cape. This gift is in us all.
Until next time…
Your Brother in Fight –